BREAKING: Deranged lunatic takes state hostage, demands end to NSW ethics classes

Breaking news from Parliament House

A madman has taken the entire state of New South Wales hostage in a dramatic siege. The elderly man, identified by government staff as Fred Nile, has reportedly refused to release government legislation unless they agree to his demands:

Mr Nile had vowed to use his party’s upper house votes to ”torpedo” the government’s public service wages legislation if it did not consider his demand that ethics classes not be held at the same time as Scripture lessons.

In an astonishing turn of events, state premier Barry O’Farrell has decided to negotiate with the hostage taker. Experts consider this a very risky move, as advertising that NSW will do things for crazy people could declare ‘open season’ on sanity. Yet Nile claimed:

Mr Nile had agreed not to block the wages policy in return for Mr O’Farrell’s promise that his private member’s bill to repeal the legislation that allows for ethics classes would go to the Coalition party room for formal discussion and then to cabinet.

Fred Nile

Fred Nile, probably talking about sex as usual

As details emerge about the hostage-taker’s background, it paints a startling picture of persistent delusion. The 76-year-old is a leader in a fringe cult called the FCC, which believes its members are in a relationship with the creator of the world and ‘the works of men… are of no avail in the Salvation and Justification of men.’ This may explain Nile’s opposition to the current practice of teaching children to think about what is right and wrong. Those close to him describe him as a loner, saying ‘he eats his fast-food meals alone and he spends every night alone in a cheap motel in western Sydney.’

Investigators have also discovered Nile and the FCC to have an interest in sex bordering on obsession. Fred Nile has spoken and written at length on the subject of seeing breasts at the beach, and campaigned for the right to vilify people who do sex differently than him (‘Reverend Nile says it is gagging’). He reportedly encourages his staff to look at pornography for him. The website of the FCC contains long, rambling tracts discussing ‘gang bangs’, bestiality, child pornography, incest and prostitution. The same page demands that its members ‘wage war’ on pornography, although it is unclear whether authorities were aware of the violent rhetoric before this week’s events in Parliament.

Meanwhile, details have emerged on the ransom note Nile reportedly sent to Premier O’Farrell. In it, he makes the following demands:

  • That the state of NSW discontinue its policy of teaching children to think about what is right and wrong
  • That the advertising of alcohol be banned
  • A ban on adults from possessing X-rated video

As yet we have no confirmation that the ‘torpedos’ he claims to have in his possession are real, or whether they work in the predominantly non-aquatic environment of the Legislative Council. Witnesses, however, have said he mumbled incoherently about having a further cache of weapons, each of which he insisted they refer to as ‘Bill’.

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